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My joy quickly turned to paranoia

I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly at 42! We were so excited, it was everything that I wanted. We have a three year old but I didn’t feel complete.


From the moment I told anyone that we were pregnant they would instantly talk about miscarriage, my joy quickly turned to paranoia. Am I going to loose this baby? My Dr wouldn’t see me till I was 10 weeks, it was the policy of the office. I was growing increasingly paranoid with all the miscarriage talk and lack of medical care. My husband called the office and asked them to see us sooner, the refused and said if we wanted to be seen sooner we could go somewhere else…. So we did.


At the first appointment we saw the heartbeat I felt so much better. Two weeks later I went to use the bathroom I wiped there was blood, my heart sank I was loosing the baby like everyone had said I would. The Dr said I could come in two days from then for a heartbeat check, I knew it wasn’t good. The next day we went to the hospital and with the legs spread and a wand in my vagina surrounded by 4 strangers I was told “ Sorry hun there’s no heartbeat” I never cried so much in my life.


I decided to miscarry naturally because I didn’t know any better. I thought I had passed the baby on that Friday but the next day I took my daughter to soccer and on the way home I started having contractions and gushing blood. I got out of the car in my driveway and blood poured down my legs. I got myself and my three year old in the house and I went to the bathroom, I had bled through my clothes there was blood everywhere. I got in the tub I was having contractions and bleeding heavily. I called the Dr on call to ask for pain medicine and he told me “ it would be over in a coupe of hours” no meds needed. I guess he never miscarried naturally and felt the physical pain.


I laid in a tub filled with blood while my three year old dog kept coming in and out. She kept asking why I pooped in the tub because she didn’t know what blood was. I had contractions and clot passing for the next 3 days.


One week later we took my daughter to monster jam at Gillette stadium, I started hemorrhaging when we got there but out of mom gilt tried to stay a while for my kid. My husband finally said we had to go, I got up blood poured out of me. I had to be rushed to the hospital by my husband and daughter. Evidently, I had a sonogram the day before and still had quite a bit of pregnancy in me, wasn’t shared with me. At the ER the rest of the pregnancy was pulled out of me with forceps no pain medication, until I made them stop to give me some.


I continued to receive reminder calls for all sorts of prenatal appointments and thought wow thanks for reminding me that we lost our baby. I saw a TIK TOK recently with a girl repeatedly saying if the fetus is a baby how come a woman doesn’t get food stamps while pregnant, if the fetus is a baby how come you don’t get blah blah blah.


I have never heard any one say we lost the fetus after a miscarriage. The thing that stuck with me the most is how so many women spoke miscarriage over me, and how I wanted so desperately to prove them wrong, how I just wanted someone to believe in me and my baby. People thought I was crazy for suggesting that the Dr office should take the time to cancel all future appointments when you miscarry, like "oh that’s just how it is." Maybe one day women will be important and that’s not how it will be.

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