Updated: Jan 4
I was only 23, just started my first “big girl” job. I was engaged, but my fiancé was involved in an unpaid apprenticeship. My god we were so poor. I found out I was pregnant at right around five weeks. All I kept thinking was “I don’t want people to be disappointed in me. I should have been smarter.” In all actuality, I was on the pill. Just a statistical BC pregnancy, I guess. But I knew my parents would be disappointed. I had a wedding to be in 6 months down the road and thought my friend would be so angry that I couldn’t participate in normal wedding festivities if I was pregnant. We were 13 states away from any and all support system. I truly felt I couldn’t keep that baby. It took me a few weeks to gather the money it would take for the procedure. I was seven weeks pregnant when I took the little pills and I sat in my house and bawled for two days while cramping, bleeding, and passing the sack. It’s what I wanted at the time but it mentally wrecked me. Our relationship suffered, I felt I had robbed a little life. I felt like I had robbed us of an alternate future. However, I can’t say 100% that I wish I had kept the pregnancy - still using the same BC pill I did for years, I fell pregnant again seven months later. What the fuck. I kept him, and he’s a thriving eight year old boy who I never could imagine my life without. If I had kept the first pregnancy, I would have never had him. It’s been nine years since that happened and I still think every day of my decision. Who would that baby have been? Was it a boy or a girl? Would we have been able to scrape by if I kept it? Were the years of secondary infertility I had after my son some sort of karmic revenge on my abortion? I’ll never have answers. Regardless of my own mental anguish, I’m thankful every day for the LEGAL services I received. I was prepped by an amazing medics staff at Planned Parenthood. They called me to check in on me. They offered my counseling services. I cannot imagine women being put in the position I was and having to seek out a back door abortion… women will die.
Thank for giving a platform. I’ve only told a few close friends. It feels nice to not feel so alone.