How do you talk about pleasure with your kid? Was there an incident that started that conversation? How is it going now?

•  As a holistic developmental professional I approach the biological and sensory aspects of pleasure with my 9 year old. I'm still learning how to approach this without over sexualizing the human experience. Recently, I've walked in on him playing with toys and seemingly unintentionally humping the coach or surface he's on. I asked him about what he was doing and if he was experiencing new feelings in his body around his penis and how it felt, then he began to kick his feet on some pillows nearby and he said "this feels good but I like doing this better" (as he was kicking the pillow)🤣🤣. Again, I'm still learning and want to support him in an understanding of his body beyond the loaded misinformation I've learned. Without writing a dissertation here, I feel like helping grow this bodily awareness and understanding without shame starts with normalizing sensations that are inherent to our body functions and how dynamic they are.

• Pleasure is so essential- We are pleasure centered brain holders! We talk about what feels good and acknowlede how our body responds. We talk about self soothing when our emotions are at an imbalance. We observe pleasurable moments, like sunsets, northern lights, seeing animals in the wild, snuggles, puppies, and caring for babies. We've done this through sensory reflection and talking about how important it is to express when something no longer is enjoyable. A lot of this is practicing being in and listening to our bodies. For example when we've had enough hugs, snugs, or tickles. We also talk about how important it is to hear other people's boundary words and to respect their boundaries and keep our rejection monsters in check. We also talk about head, heart, body alignment. When you think something might be enjoyable, but your gut says it's not a good idea, or like when you wanna eat more candy, because it tastes good, but too much might make your tummy upset. Usually these convos are about safety, protecting ourselves and friends, and self-advocacy for getting personal needs met. There wasn't an individual incident per se. I just want to give my kiddo an opportunity to embody pleasure, which I hope will help them develop worthiness and protect them from victimization and self-sabotage.

  
  

• One very long round about conversation starting with my 10 year old wondering why she'd never have a little brother or sister (we are a 2 and done family and thankful every day for a tubal as a form of contraceptive care) "Do you and dad still have sex then? Why, if you're not having more babies!" Cue the pleasure conversation and another long talk about exploring your own body. But please lock your door and wash your hands.

• I don't think we have really talked about sexual pleasure. Still so much to de-taboo. 

• Listening to Taylor Swift's "Wood" in the car created a lot of questions recently. My kids now know about the potential pleasure tool known as an erection. Both my kids have been curious about pleasure from a young age. They innocently discovered that the jets in our jacuzzi bath felt great when applied at just the right angle. Masturbation was frowned upon in my religious upbringing and it is healing to talk openly about it with my kids, no shaming, just a conversation of appropriate places and times for that act of personal pleasure.

• We don't talk about this but I'd like to. 

• We talk about good touch and bad touch. We talk about needing to love yourself first and most. But we should talk about pleasure too and we don't. Ideas are appreciated about how to do this. Thanks!

• With my 6 year old, we've talked about how it's ok to touch your body in your room or bathroom with the door closed, just wash your hands before and after. This was prompted by a brown tinged finger in my face while she was bathing and asking me why it smelled funny. 

• We're not to the level of speaking about "personal pleasure" yet. He's quite comfortable sharing the butterflies and hand-holding topics he's beginning to explore. (He has shared that kissing is still "gross" and too forward of an action for him at this stage) But, I continue to seed the conversation and show him the open door of our communication when he is ready to ask/discuss. I'm letting him know I'll be an open encyclopedic resource of sorts, but he's the one who chooses when to open the book & which pages to research.

• After my middle kid had learned about (whatever code word you used I can't remember sorry) she was sitting there and she said I just don't get it. Why would anyone do that? I said well at a certain point when your hormones start flowing it feels good.

• We talk about tickling and how it can feel good and how it can also feel bad. And that asking to stop should ALWAYS be listened to, even if you are still laughing. A few sexual pleasure situations have come up with my daughter who tells me it feels good when she has touched her genitals in bath or rubbing on my leg (this was so uncomfortable for me!!!!!!!!!!). I've had to really pause a moment and pray for a neutral and positive response and I think I've done a REALLY good job if I say so myself! The messaging I try for: 1. Yes it does feel good to touch our bodies! They were made to feel good. 2. Certain touching can be germy so please wash hands everytime 3. Touching bodies can be done privately because it makes other people uncomfortable 4. A reminder that the only people allowed to touch private areas on Your body are you, and parents and doctor (with permission)

• We don't really talk about pleasure as it relates to sex. If they were open to that conversation, sure wouldn't scare me, but it's not something they've ever wanted to talk about with me.

• My child is still quite young so we focus on pleasure through healthy touch. Massage has been a big part of our ritual. Leaning into head, neck and back rubs and back tickles and scratches. Feeling the sensations that bring pleasure into our bodies through this healing touch. It has been a wonderful way to bond and explore what feels good. And it's care we can each offer each other.

• My daughter is a very pleasure motivated person. She doesn't seem to have absorbed the Protestant work ethic that I seem to have been acculturated to. She delights in things and when she does I just try to delight right along with her. I want her to be able to truly receive those moments.

  
  

• I have always talked openly with my children about pleasure in age-appropriate ways as they grew, emphasizing consent, respect, and self-awareness rather than treating the topic as taboo. Two moments stand out with our older children. When our son went to senior prom, my husband spoke with him about intentions, consent, and respecting his partner. With our daughter, as a teenager, I had a conversation about understanding her own body and valuing her pleasure and autonomy throughout her life. We made sure to have similar conversations with our son as well, reinforcing that pleasure is mutual and grounded in respect. Overall, our approach has been rooted in openness, communication, and the belief that honest conversations help foster healthier relationships.

  
  

• I’ve got a humper. Sometimes she humps so much she makes herself sore. I feel like I’m building the plane as it’s taking off… “I know that feels good. It’s normal. And it’s okay to do that, but you need to do it in privacy.” There hasn’t been a day that she has not been comfortable in her own body… It’s disorienting for me to imagine it myself. I want to fiercely guard that curiosity, delight and confidence she innately has, but truth is I’m making it up as I go.